“Are your parents a thing that happened to you? Well, I mean, I guess you were born into them…I mean, out of them…or whatever…awkward.”
- Lauren
“My ovaries are acidic.”
- Mr. Hosier (on the fact that the reproductive system is one of the few that doesn’t regulate the pH balance)
“Descartes definitely didn’t read Chinese philosophers, and of course they didn’t read him because that would be putting ‘da cart’ before the horse.”
- Mr. Corbin
*Flashback to Geometry*
{Branden: What’s your password at fon.com?
Dawson: What’s fon.com?
Sid: Freak of Nature!
(laughing, pause)
Dawson: My password is “password”
Branden: Dude, that’s like the worst password ever!
Dawson: No, YOU have the worst password ever.}
{Meghan: Yunsun has a confession to make. Involving pants.
Mr. Douglas: It’s okay, I’ve already been briefed…Ha! Haha. Get it?}
“Hello, my name is O’Cyrus. I’m an Egyptian deity!”
- Mr. Douglas (in thick Irish brogue)
“A prune a day keeps the colon in tune!”
- Mr. Hosier
“Boy, this is a great bibliography!...I need a new job…”
- Mr. Corbin (acknowledging reading bibliographies as rather nerdy)
“It’s like following your heart, only more interesting.”
- Mr. Douglas (on being misunderstood as “follow your pants)
“Lance’s Reading Quiz:
10. Who is your favorite teacher you’ve had at St. Ambrose?
a. Dr. Bonde
b. Mr. Stutzman
c. Mrs. Post
d. Mr. Douglas
e. I’ve never owned a teacher
“Hey, if we mispronounce words, we’ll be like Picasso!”
- Mr. Douglas
“Snap happy joy mmm-bang!”
- Meghan (describing the end of The Tempest)
{Greg: Everyone…
Lance: Everyone, everyone, needs some Jesus in their life! (in sing-song/melodic tone)
Stephanie: I have never heard that song in my life…
Lance: That’s…because I just made it up…}
“I am far cheesier than you will ever be. Take that. I have a bread-crumbs-and-fish shirt. Would you like to come to my church on Sunday? I thought not.”
- Mr. Douglas (criticizing cheesy Christian T-Shirts)
“Don’t touch me, soul snatcher!”
- Mr. Douglas (discussing the freakishly long legs of a hornet)
“Arrr, Lauren be trippin’!”
- Mr. Douglas (on Talk Like a Pirate day)
“Arr, Greg, you be a beautiful lubber.”
- Mr. Douglas
“Please don’t put that in the book.”
- Mr. Douglas (in reference to the previous quote)
“Keep your homade stuff to yourself.”
- Mr. Douglas
“Let’s get Greg sick for our own entertainment!”
- Mr. Douglas
“You know that’s how I roll. Wit my ho’s. At the hodown.”
- Mr. Douglas
“Well you just throw down your ho/e and have a good time!”
- Stephanie
“He’s not a God who gets caught with his pants down.”
- Mr. Douglas
“It evoked creepage-out-ness.”
- Meghan (on Candied being a tragedy and evoking fear and pity)
“Being in Oklahoma is prostituting yourself.”
- Mr. Douglas
“I like Satan!”
- Keegan
“I love fat babies.”
- Mr. Schoberg
“Shut up!...sir…”
- Lauren (to Mr. Douglas)
Name: Ryan Caven
Age: 18
Years at School: 1.259 years
“Greg, will you prostitute yourself for us?” “Right here, right now,” “for all to see?”
- Mr. Douglas, Lance, Lauren
“It’s not the thighs I’m worried about seeing, it’s the other things.”
- Mr. Douglas
{Mr. Douglas: Well you know, Kate backwards is “e tak!”
Lauren: Hey, I’m the only one in this class who has a black belt in tae-kwon-do!
Keegan: Yeah, but your name backwards is nerual!"
(on athleticism in our class)}
“Well it’s about like old people-warriors…”
- Mikayla (in regard to veterans)
“All of my glorious parts are under the table.”
- Greg
“But I’m a freaking breast stroker!”
- Greg
“Oh, by the way, I hate you. Your kid’s a turd. Tell him Mr. Hosier said that.”
- Mr. Douglas (in reply to being mistaken for Mr. Hosier)
{Mr. Douglas: Tocqueville was so scared. Why was he scared?
Lance: ‘Cuz it was scary…
Mr. Douglas: That was, by far, the dumbest answer possible.}
{Stephanie: I mean, I’m not a necrophyliac.
Meghan: (intense laughter)
(on Stephanie’s relationship with Jonathan Edwards)}
“Well, part of my nature is that I am male, but that doesn’t mean that my purpose is to exist as a male.”
- Lance (on nature vs. purpose)
“It’s like a frog boiling you in slow water.”
- Greg (being generally dillusional)
{Lauren; The first two stalls are for wieners!
Greg: (after laughter and some comments) Probably not the best term to use for a women’s bathroom…}
“Yeah, he was great, other than killing pointless people.”
- Lance (trying to mock Andrew Jackson and the Trail of Tears)
“It’s not in the nature of a dead lizard to bring someone joy and comfort.”
- Mr. Corbin
“Don’t lick my face!”
- Keely (to Keegan)
“I should go out with the Grinch! He’s like Machiavelli, only green!”
- Keegan (being herself)
{Mr. Douglas: Grunts of agreement. Grunts of love, you might say.
Lauren: Um…no.
Mr. Douglas: Love for the book.}
{Stephanie: What did you just do?
Mr. Douglas: I jumped your man.
Lauren: Why not a woman?
Mr. Douglas: Because it kind of takes on a different meaning if I say “I jumped your woman.”}
“Oh look, someone saran-wrapped the toilet! Let’s lick it and find out who did it. Mmm, tastes like seniors!”
- Mr. Douglas (mocking the idea of licking the toilet)
{Keegan: Oh no, my plants are over-watered!
Stephanie: There is no God!
(being an individual upset over more rain on his plants)}
{Mr. Douglas: Now, look at his hair…”
Keegan: It’s white!!
(describing a white marble statue)}
“Greg’s uggo is my uggo, and my hottie is Greg’s hottie.”
- Mr. Douglas (on Plato’s Republic)
{Lauren: Ahh! Lance has a hoe!
Lance: And I know how to use it!}
“I’ve done some therapy with her other parts of her body.”
- Lauren (about Stephanie)
“That’s what Tocquevill is about: lovin’ the hot people.”
- Mr. Douglas
(Blogger's note: I cannot get over the amusement of Mr. Douglas saying "Let's like it and find out who did it. Mmm, tastes like seniors!" I have been chuckling to myself about this since I started writing this entry.)
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